1) If a woman is not responding to your advances, she probably has autism.
2) If you are approaching a woman and she tries to ignore you, it is because she is more afraid of you than you are of her. Therefore, disregard her behavior and keep trying. Open by convincing her that you are not trying to mug her.
3) Do not flirt at funerals.
4) Do not laugh immediately after complimenting the person.
5) To properly seduce a man with eye contact, you must leave the top eyelid open wide, try to squint only with the bottom eyelid, and keep moving your vision from their mouth to their left eye to their right eye. Do not look insane.
We realized that we have not been using our talents sufficiently. If so many people out there are sharing their expertise, why don't we? So we poured ourselves a couple of bottles of wine, and documented the lessons we have learned from dating our exes. Here is the product of our efforts:
How to Keep your Monkey Interested.
Is your monkey hiding from intimacy (like, under the couch)? Ever wonder why that banana just doesn't fit right? This article applies to both male, female and neutered significant others.
1. Monkey see, monkey do. It is a well-known fact that personality mirroring is extremely successful in picking up women even if you are ugly. This is especially true in human-monkey live-in relationships. If you act too human, your monkey may feel insecure and may be unable to relate. When your monkey needs to have a real conversation with you, squat on the dresser so they feel that you are as mature as they are.
2. Create a living space. Being in a relationship is a serious commitment, especially if you are a monkey. Make sure there is a monkey flap through which she can leave and lick her wounds after an argument.
3. Take a vacation together. A lot of hotel spas cater to simi-sexual relationships. Visit the two-way flea grooming room, where your monkey and you can truly bond and have a delectable meal together. You can take swing classes, where even if you are unable to participate, you can watch your monkey swing from all manner of dangling objects.
4. Compliment your monkey. Tell your monkey, especially in more intimate situations, that her tail is particularly spiffy. Let her know how red her backside is. She will most likely scratch her armpits in response, which actually corresponds to blushing in humans. Buy her sexy lingerie from Victoria's Simian (not the Edible underwear).
5. Do not be afraid to raise your voice. If she screeches, screech louder. You may end up having some very passionate make-up sex.
Warnings:
- Do not shave.
- Do not shave your monkey.
- Never run out of bananas. You never know what else he/she will use as a substitute.
- There is a time and place for feces-throwing. Only use that under extreme circumstances to prove a point.
- Sharp teeth.
